VW's new Golf is so techy, it's like a Maplin on wheels

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A Golf? I don’t even have a pension.

Come off it. Golfs have always been for the young and the rebellious. The modders, the choppers, the boy racers and the drum ‘n’ bassers. We’ve been down Plymouth seafront, man, we’ve seen it.

Nope. Those guys just use boring base cars with easily found parts. See also: Corsa.

Alright Chris Goffey, chill out. This just in: the press release for the new Golf begins with a ten-point breakdown of which the first five are all technology. This is a car that geeks should be excited about. We’re excited.

It just looks like a Golf, though.

Dammit, are you even listening? Technology! Though, you’re right. This is effectively a mid-life refresh, so the external tweaks are pretty minor: LED lights and snazzy exhaust housings, etc. But inside, well, for a kick-off – it’s got the full digital dash.

Oh, like the Audi TT, with the full-screen navigation where the dials should be?

Yep. Not so fuddy-duddy, huh? There are selectable modes for the display, with premium models like the GTI or hybrid GTE getting red and blue themes. Meanwhile, in the middle there, all the infotainment systems now have bigger screens. Discover Pro is the flagship, with a 9.2in, 155dpi screen, haptic touch, voice and gesture control. It works with Android Auto and Apple CarPlay, as well as having loads of inputs and a 10GB SSD.

Brillcakes… until I distractedly drive into the back of someone.

Well, that makes you the muppet for not using the voice and gesture controls. Plus, Mister Golf is nearly autonomous with its huge list of driving aids. Deep breath:

Traffic Jam Assist, Emergency Assist, Lane Assist, Trailer Assist, Park Assist 3.0 and Front Assist with City Emergency Braking – which spots pedestrians in the road, and tuts at them.

So… GTI, GTE. Anything more new-school?

Apart from a startlingly few mentions of the word ‘diesel’, there’s a new 1.5-litre turbocharged petrol engine that should be fast and frugal. But, if you’re hoping for a Tesla-smasher, you’ll have to wait… until next week, when Volkswagen is expected to announce its latest all-electric eGolf at the Los Angeles Motor Show. As LA people say: keep it here for the breaking.

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Fraser used to wear a Psion Series 3 palmtop in a shoulder holster. Perhaps he still does.Either way, his lifelong mission - including fourteen years for Stuff - has been to see whether the consumer electronics industry can ever replicate that kind of cyborgian joy.So far: nope. Despite a plan to combine a action camera and Olympus Eye-Trek goggles to become Man Who Sees The Vision Of A Man Three Inches Taller Than Himself.He also likes mountain bikes, motorbikes, cars, helicopters. Still thinks virtual surround is witchcraft. Dislikes jetskis, despite never having been on one.