The Apple Watch X I want is one that’ll stop me doing stupid things
“Apple’s new wearable zaps you unconscious if you’re going to be a massive idiot” – Stuff’s Apple Watch X review, 2024. Maybe.
CRANK CRANK KA-CHUNKK FRRRRRRRRPPP! Another Apple rumour has been ejected from the pit. Mark Gurman sacrificed a dozen gen-1 iPods to the Rumour Demon who spewed forth fire, venom, fury, and quite a few details about the Apple Watch X. (Warning: do not try this at home. Only a trained Gurman should deal with Rumour Demons. If you have an original gen-1 iPod, sell it on eBay.)
The first thing the Apple Watch X isn’t, apparently, is imminent. And that’s because this year we’re getting the Apple Watch 9. This will be a minor refresh with a more powerful CPU, new colours, and ginormous comedy ears. Although maybe the Rumour Demon was just having a laugh about that last point.
But the Apple Watch X will be the one to – oho! – watch. And that’s because it’ll steal the iPhone X’s idea and regenerate the wearable into a different and yet familiar form. Although will it be a Tom Baker or a Colin Baker?
Time for change
According to those rumours, changes to the case loom. It will be slimmer. The screen will be improved. And there will be a new bands system. So the Apple Watch will get its Dock Connector moment, where users SCREAM OUT IN HORROR as all their bands instantly become incompatible with the latest iteration of the product. And then dutifully trot off to buy replacements anyway. Also, the Apple Watch X might have blood pressure monitoring.
As someone with as much interest in changing an Apple Watch band as in changing their own nose, I don’t care about the bands thing. It’s fine. I get why people will be miffed. But, hey – you had a good run. It wasn’t going to last forever. And perhaps those piles of bands you acquired and used precisely once each might be worth something one day.
But blood pressure monitoring? Great. Because if there’s one thing I want Apple to iterate on most rapidly, it’s health. And that’s mostly because I’ve spent the past week being decidedly ‘unhealth’. Even now I’m writing this column in a kind of surreal haze. (Is this real? Are you all just glittering unicorns lined up on my desk, chanting SNARK SNARK SNARK? Who knows? It’ll be fun to find out.)
Watch out for berks
What I want to see isn’t blood pressure monitoring per se. I want everything monitoring. And some kind of electric shock gizmo that then stops me doing stupid things (by threatening zappage) when I am clearly ill and should be in bed. This is a niche feature, but I’m sure you all agree. Although to reiterate: I am currently clearly ill and should be in bed.
Specifically, I had norovirus or similar a few days back. It knocked me for six in a way I’ve never experienced before. And like a buffoon, despite having had a very unpleasant night, I thought I’d just power through the next day. I did so in much the same way a wind-up toy might blaze across a desk for about six seconds before abruptly keeling over. The following day, my body gave up by making me unconscious. Today? I’m wobbly, but I’m fine. Ish. Honest.
So, yeah, that Apple Watch X. Magnetic straps will leave more space for the battery, but go for zappage instead. Or, you know, haptic alerts and a picture of Tim Cook looking very stern and saying “go to bed, you fool” when certain bad health data points are hit. Do that, Apple, and I’ll even forgive you this past week for annihilating my streaks yet again without even considering giving me a pause button when I’m horribly ill.
Craig Grannell
Contributor 
