Stuff’s Alternative Christmas TV Schedule 2015
For every Christmas TV cracker there are dozens of Yuletide turkeys, so bolster what's broadcast with these streamed stonkers
It’s Christmas, which means the scheduled TV line-ups are, to put it mildly, a bit of a shocker.
Can’t face Christmas Day sitting down in front of yet another cringeworthy, outdated Bond film, carnage-filled, feature-length soap opera episode or smug-fest celebrity talk show? We’ve got the solution, and we’ve put it all in a list for you to look at now, with your eyes. And not a Bublé, Nigella or Her Majesty in sight.
Merry Christmas, telly addicts!
Morning
You’ve been rudely awakened by the kids leaping up and down on your bed. Blearily, you haul yourself downstairs to oversee the unwrapping of presents, and maybe fix some breakfast.
They’re still jumping up and down. You need a distraction. Here it is:
The Muppet Christmas Carol
There’s really just one family-friendly way to kick-off the festive telly binge, and that’s with the Muppets. Thanks to the joy of streaming, you can do just that.
The Muppet Christmas Carol is the perfect storm of festive enjoyment: a traditional Dickens story with traditional Christmas values, but starring furry, floppy headed puppets. And let’s not forget Michael Caine playing it completely straight as Ebeneezer Scrooge: quality acting or utter ambivalence? It’s Christmas so let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.
Either way, by the end of the film the nippers will have been taught a thing or two about what Christmas is really about and you’ll all feel warm and fuzzy inside. Sure, the Buck’s Fizz will have played it’s part in that but let’s give the Muppets at least some of the credit.
The Christmas Visitor
This charming little Christmas cartoon from the 1950s kicks off with a rendition of The Night Before Christmas, before spinning off into an adventure featuring living toys – including an entertainingly villainous Snidely Whiplash-type Jack in the Box.
The retro stylings will conjure up visions of Don Draper, so how about mixing up a Rob Roy (it’s Christmas after all) before settling into the rest of the Christmas schedule.
Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit
Paying tribute to the Hammer Horror movies of old, Wallace & Gromit’s first full-length film finds them tackling a giant rabbit with designs on Tottington Hall’s vegetables. But things are not quite what they seem…
Aardman Animations’ plasticine heroes retain their quirky charm on the big screen, untainted by Hollywood interference. They’re joined by a big-name cast including Ralph Fiennes and Helena Bonham Carter – who throw themselves wholeheartedly into the silliness.
Watch Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit on Netflix
Rent Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit on Blinkbox (£2.50)
Afternoon
You’ve somehow managed to cram most of a turkey and half a Christmas pudding inside you, to the protestations of your stomach. Time to flop down upon the sofa and vegetate with a couple of antacids. Here’s some family viewing that’ll keep you ticking over.
The Lego Movie
Emmet (Chris Pratt) is a bog-standard Lego minifigure, until he discovers that he’s the chosen one who’s destined to save the world… stop us if you’ve heard this one before.
Knowingly eviscerating adventure movie clichés, this clever kids’ film celebrates the imagination and the individual – while pointing a stern finger at the sort of adults who collect children’s toys. You know who you are.
Scrooged (Channel Four, 3.45pm)
What’s this? Some broadcast telly worth watching!
Quite literally an alternative modern day version of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol (and therefore a great companion piece to this morning’s Muppets), this 1988 comedy casts Bill Murray as its incarnation of Ebenezer Scrooge – a mean, selfish television executive who detests the festive season and all it stands for.
You know exactly where it’s all going to go, of course, but the movie’s 80s charm, its witty reworking of Dickens’ ghosts and Murray’s outrageously curmudgeonly performance all serve to make Scrooged something of a Christmas treat.
Don’t want to be tied to live telly times? Here are the streaming options:
Gravity
Grandad’s fast asleep by now and the kids are off playing Christmas computer games, so now’s the perfect time to treat yourself to a blockbuster. Why not make it one that’s pretty much only got one character and potentially some of the most nausea-inducing set pieces in cinematic history? (Seriously, probably best that you wait until after Gravity is over before hitting the egg nog.)
If pure visual spectacle is what you’re seeking, you’ll find it in spades in Alfonso Cuarón’s one-woman-against-physics disaster movie. And if the kids do re-invade the lounge it’s not a massive disaster: there are a couple of choice words used but the 12A rating means it’s not full of bloodied corpses and blue language (but obviously check the BBFC notes for the full facts).
Evening
The darkness is closing in outside – settle down with your tipple of choice and fire up one of these films to see in Christmas evening.
Doctor Who (BBC One, 5.15pm)
Yes, we know: Doctor Who is not exactly the most “alternative” of suggestions. It’s one of the Beeb’s crown jewels, so to speak – but that doesn’t mean we can’t suggest you watch it, because (a) just because a lot of people like it doesn’t mean it’s bad and (b) we can put whatever the heck we like in this list, because it’s ours.
Peter Capaldi’s second Christmas special as the Doctor, this episode is called “The Husbands of River Song” and features the return of former companion Alex Kingston, as well as Matt Lucas and Greg Davies in other roles. Look, it’s bloody Doctor Who – if you like it, you probably like it a lot, and if you think it’s all a bunch of cheap-looking nonsense for kids, feel free to skip this suggestion.
Sherlock Holmes
With the special Christmas episode coming on New Year’s Day, now is the perfect time to remind yourself of this Sherlock’s previous escapades.
Benedict Cumberbatch shot to fame on the strength of the title role, but Martin Freeman’s performance as the down-to-earth John Watson is just as important to the show’s success, with a thousand Tumblrs now dedicated to capturing their interplay in GIF form.
Netflix has the first two series available to view and Amazon has all three (but you’ll have to pay for two of them) – they may be short at just three episodes each, but those episodes are just as long (and packed with twisty-turny plotting) as any movie.
A Very Murray Christmas
This. Is. Weird.
It’s basically a spoof of those old Christmas variety shows but is also itself an old school Christmas variety show. Some actors play themselves (Bill Murray, George Clooney, Miley Cyrus), while others play characters (Jason Schwartzman, Amy Poehler, the band Phoenix), all of them sing at least one Christmas song.
Some of it falls flat, some of it’s hilarious, and all of it is pretty mad. But one thing’s for sure: George Clooney sticking his head out from behind a Christmas tree and singing “Santa Claus wants some lovin'” is a Christmas gift for us all.
Die Hard
Everyone thinks they’re being clever, edgy and original when they say that Die Hard is their favourite Christmas movie, but they’re not. Everyone knows it’s set at Christmas, guys. Just because you picked a movie that has lots of shooting, swearing, broken glass and bloody death in it instead of Jimmy Stewart finding out that the world is a pretty great place after all, really, doesn’t make you some kind of cultural genius.
That being said, Die Hard is a really great film that has lots of shooting, swearing, broken glass and bloody death in it. Plus Christmas decorations. So watch it as you polish off the last of the day’s mince pies.
Fireplace for Your Home
Netflix has once again brought this cinematic classic back for Christmas. The imagery is compelling, even if the plot is somewhat lacking. Leave it on in the background while you play Scrabble or read a book.
Later
It’s pitch black outside, the sitting room is discarded with bits of cast-off wrapping paper, and the kids are in bed. Time to fire up some more age-appropriate fare for the grown-ups.
Bojack Horseman Christmas Special: Sabrina’s Christmas Wish
If you haven’t watched the Bojack Horseman series on Netflix, keep on moving: there’s nothing for you to see here. But if you’re a fan of the alcoholic has-been of a horse, this Christmas special is a 25min treat.
It’s Christmas at Bojack’s house, and Todd manages to persuade him that the two of them should settle in and watch one of the old Horsing Around specials. It’s hilariously dreadful, as are Todd’s pathetic attempts to get Bojack into the Christmas spirit.
Watch Bojack Horseman Christmas Special: Sabrina’s Christmas Wish on Netflix
Black Christmas
He sees you when you’re sleeping… this vintage horror movie finds a group of sorority sisters terrorised by a mystery killer. But this is no hackneyed hack ’em up – it’s the original slasher movie, which (along with the similarly holiday-themed Halloween) begat the genre that spawned a thousand masked killers.
Dated? Unquestionably. But it’s a piece of horror movie history.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (Channel Four, 1.05am)
Is there anything particularly “Christmassy” about the 1986 John Hughes classic? No. Absolutely nothing that we can think of. It’s about a kid who pulls a sickie to get out of going to school and instead has some cool adventures with his friends.
But it’s really good and incredibly easy to watch which, let’s face it, is probably all you’re looking for after a day of enduring members of your extended family and consuming a week’s worth of food.
A teen comedy from a time in which those words didn’t send a chill down the spine, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is the perfect way to see out the day.
Merry Christmas!!!
Additional words by Tom Parsons and Stephen Graves
What to stream next? › The 40 best movies and TV shows on Netflix
Sam Kieldsen
Contributor 
