In your stars this week: you try to buy a Vertu Constellation, but can’t

How much does that phone cost?

We’ve already told you: if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

How do you know I can’t afford it?

Because it’s a Vertu phone, and you can’t afford anything made by them. This new one is the Vertu Constellation and it’ll probably set you back about as much as a new kitchen. We can’t tell you for sure because Vertu, perhaps embarrassed, isn’t revealing the price. Just registering interest for a February reveal.

I’m not into expensive elitist nonsense. Hail Comrades! So I don’t want it anyway.

Well that’s a little short-sighted of you, because it’s actually a well-specced phone. It has the highest resolution screen of any Vertu device – WQHD, or 2560 x 1440, spread across a 5.5in display with crystal sapphire glass on top of it. That gives it an enviable pixel density of 538ppi – right up there with the very best phones in the world.

It runs on a Snapdragon 820 processor, which while not the absolute latest is still pretty impressive, and has 4GB of RAM. And there’s also a 12MP camera, 128GB of storage, dual SIM slots, 3200mAh battery and fast-charging. Compared to Vertus of old, then, which were Ostrich-wrapped Nokias, this is pretty geeky.

Great – so it has 2016 flagship-matching specs, but costs a fortune. Why would I bother?

Maybe you’d be swayed by the build: it’s crafted from soft Italian leather and lightweight anodised aluminium, while even the ‘ear pillow’ is hand-polished "for optimum acoustic performance". But more likely you’d be won over by Vertu’s famed Concierge, Life and Certainty services.

And they are?

Concierge gives you 24-hour access to a team of what are essentially servants ready to do your bidding. Want to buy some opera tickets? They’ll sort it for you. Don’t know which Bentley you should buy next? They’ll advise you.

Ha! In my case it’d be more like "Where’s my nearest Kenchucky Fried Giblets?"

Life, meanwhile, gives you access to invitation-only events, private clubs and dedicated shopping events, while Certainty covers security; each Vertu phone, including the Constellation, is fitted with all manner of encryption options for secure calls, texts and emails. Perfect for when you’re contacting the ‘specialist’ accountant who helps you out with all your tax evasion needs.

And you really don’t have a price for us?

Hey, blame Vertu. But given that its previous mobiles have ranged from £3400 to upwards of £10,000, and double-given that this one is pretty fully loaded, you can’t afford it.